Mother's Day musings

All ye who hope in the Lord, be ye encouraged; and let your heart be strengthened.  Psalm 31:24

This year my holiday seemed hollow.  Sure my chicks have left the nest, but that happened several years earlier.  I received my obligatory phone call and chat which I enjoyed.  But still I remained out of sorts throughout the day. 

Midmorning I decided I would lie in the hammock, soak up some sun and straighten up my altitude.  I grab the side of the hammock to flip it to empty the leaves that were there.  As I did there was instant pain that would not stop.  I didn't see any insect, but something sure gave me a sting.  There was some swelling, but not much.  Just pain and a very visible hole in my finger.  Oh well, I didn't actually want to lie in the hammock anyway!  

I made lunch which we had at our picnic table.  The air was just perfect.  A breeze, not too hot, and not too chill.  Finally I decided to curl up in bed with a book and read.  Just thought I would zone out.  I am still frustrated because I am normally "up" for Mother's Day, full of excitement.  Today, just blah.

Later that evening, a friend called to see how I was doing.  I didn't understand why she thought I might not be okay.  (Yes, sometimes, I am truly dense.)  "Why wouldn't I be?" I ask. 

"Well, you know, uh,  with your daughter's death."  Oh!  yes.  Of course.  Now I completely understand my day.  Since my baby girl died in '08 I have purposely planned and schemed to keep myself up and busy on this day of the year.  I am doing better now.  The depression has mostly lifted. So much so that I let Mother's Day creep into my life without preparing my heart or mind.  Even without thinking, my heart was mourning. 

When God created us, he made an amazing life capable of deep joy and sorrow.  Fortunately most days are not the high highs or low lows.  But the loss of a loved one stays with us.  Today I felt truly my heart, my frustration and my loss.  My first feeling Mother's Day since she passed from this life to everlasting life.  

This was my first Mother's Day to mourn my loss of her on this day.  She was so thoughtful.  In her years with me, she has gardened which she hated, but did with me and for me.  One year we stripped wallpaper and put up new on her suggestion.  A project I had been putting off, but so enjoyed with her.  Yes, I miss you today dear child.  I look forward to being with you on the other side one day.